Mumbling~

If I remember about my footprints, I swear I only have regrets on and on in my whole life. I don't know. I'm disappointed to myself. I think that I can't keep my promises to myself. There are much promises. One of them is finding my own world. Well, my own world? What is my own world? Huh, even I dunno what my own world is. Up till now.

I'm confused. I'm afraid to fall. I'm afraid to jump higher. I'm afraid that I cannot survive. I'm afraid that I cannot be happy in the end. I'm afraid to face the challenges. I'm afraid I can't obey to my commitment. I'm afraid to be me.

Actually, every day, I count down, I move. I make a change. I try to find something new. I look for the new way even though it seems useless or something. But, how could I do? How could it be? Waiting for something until I die? No. Of course not. It's a big no. 'Cause I've been dying.

I'm tired to be like this. I'm fed up. I'm done. But I'm doubt because I have nothing to do. I'm just too frightened.

Here I am. Looking at the each drop of rain. Smelling the natural air. Hearing the mother of earth's song. Touching the beautiful view of the world.

I cannot handle my own feeling. I can't. It's hard. It feels like I cannot differentiate between delusion and the truth. Seems like I fall into my deep dreams. It makes me mad. It drives me crazy. But, I don't know, I enjoy it. Sometimes depressed, sometimes glad. Such a hilarious mood swing! Please, I'm begging. It's not real. It's not real!

I wished that the time machine were existed. But, poorly, it is impossible. Ouch, again, my mind is blowing. I can't handle it. I look like having a personality disorder.

Will I curse anything forever?

Will I survive in my journey of life?

Will I live my life?

Will I change?

Will I.....